Junior High Party

So ... I've been struggling with insomnia and a mild depression this past week. But in the midst of it God brought some events to cheer me up - the English Service at church yesterday and the party that my wife and some teachers threw for the Junior High kids on Thursday. Here are some of the activities they did at the party:

Insomnia

Some say Paul's "thorn in the flesh" had to do with his poor eye sight (Gal 4:15). For me, it's insomnia. I have had problem with insomnia all my life, but the last few years it has become difficult to bear. My body is relax, my soul at peace, but my mind just doesn't want to go to sleep. And so I would be wide awake all night and feel sleepy all day. A few days of insomnia and I will fall into a depression. Sometimes it even led to severe panic attacks. It is frustrating because there are too much to do and too little energy to do anything.

One time I talked to my counseling professor about my insomnia and he said it's biological, meaning it had to do with my physical / chemical make up. External circumstances can aggravate the problem, but it's basically an internal issue. I've tried acupuncture, holistic medicine, antidepression, vitamin, relaxation exercises, sleeping pills, counting sheep, etc. Oh yes, prayers too.

I've come to accept that insomnia is my "thorn in the flesh", a physical condition necessary for me to experience the power of God through my weakness (2 Co 12:9). It is true that through my lack of energy, I has been forced to sit still, to contemplate, and to know that He is God (Ps 46:10).

God knows what He is doing. But ... can I just get a good sleep right now, LORD!

A Belated Christmas Wish

Christmas came and went rather uneventfully for me. I was dead tired, and somewhat depressed. I think it stems from weeks of preparation, heightened by a weekend full of events and then a family party at my home on Monday. Don't get me wrong. I enjoyed every moment of it. But it was just too many events, too many people, too many strong emotions and too little sleep for my health to handle well. And so I slept for 12+ hours on Christmas and spent the rest of the day as a vegetable. Totally unproductive. I didn't feel better until I journaled late at night. It's always good after a sincere communion with God!

I meant to write a "Merry Christmas" wish to those who care enough to read my blog, but I just couldn't work up the energy to do it. So ... Merry (belated) Christmas! Thank you for understanding. I've come to understand and accept my introverted nature. A few days of rest and isolation and hopefully I will feel better.

Mary Did You Know?

Today I decided to contemplate through a creative project. The process was time consuming, but it touched my soul. Check this out:

Did Mary know all this ahead of time? I don't think so. But she said YES. She let go of her own agenda to merge with God's, and Jesus was born. She trusted, and she obeyed. So simple, yet so difficult. You can probably tell what I'm struggling with - a selfish desire to know ahead and to be in control. It's been good contemplating on what Mary went through.

A conversation with Mary

My spiritual directors, Don and Charlotte Ferris, encourage us to "enter" the Scripture stories imaginatively, allowing the Word of God to become a living thing inside us. It's a great contemplative exercise started by St. Ignatius and practiced by the church for centuries. I've found this exercise very helpful in drawing me into the Word and allowing it to become living in my soul. It forces me to take time, to be still and know that He is God.

Two years ago, Charlotte suggested that we might have an imaginative conversation with Mary the mother of Jesus. No, we did not "pray" to her (lest someone thinks I've become a heretic ). But I did write an imaginative letter to Mary in my journal. I want to share this "letter" here in my blog, perhaps to introduce one of the many wonderful ways of meditating the Scripture. It may seem a "fast" read to you, but as I took time to contemplate and write, and now re-read it, it was very transformative for me. You may want to try it!

(I did clean up the letter and correct many grammar mistakes for this blog; my journal is never this "clean")

Excerpt from personal journal on Wednesday, November 30, 2005 A Reflection from Luke 1 & 2

Dear Mary - By the grace of God He chose you as the "favored one". Luke did not describe why you were considered “favored”. You seemed startled by that address yourself. I guess God called you "the favored one" because He foresaw what you were about to do: You said "YES" to Him! You let go of your own will. You were willing to integrate His will into your daily living, daily responsibilities. I so admire you, Mary!

I do not envy you. What a tough situation coming your way. Your cousin Elizabeth was delivered from the shame of barrenness, but you were about to "take on" a terrible shame for yourself - the shame of being pregnant out of wedlock. You would surely be divorced by a man you loved. You would face so many conflicts in your life. How difficult it must be, to raise and love Someone, only to witness Him suffering and eventually being wrongly executed by the most brutal punishment - the cross?

Did you know what you were getting yourself into, Mary??? What went through your mind when Joseph wanted to divorce you, albeit quietly? Did you want to give up? Did you consider an abortion? And in that humble delivery room, when you laid your Son in the manger, did you feel self pity? When the shepherds came and told you about the strange vision in the field, did it encourage you? The strange prophecies at the temple, did they startle you? What was it like raising “the Son of God”?

I can't imagine how difficult it must have been for you, ever since you said "yes" to the angel Gabriel. Yes, all the generations have called you blessed, but your life, and especially your suffering, they were far from anything we would consider as “blessed”. That's not how we human being define "blessedness”.

But I've come to understand what "blessedness" means - it means living out what God intends for humankind to live, the kind of living modeled by the Holy Trinity in Their relationship, one that is characterized by deep intimacy and sacrificial love. And God called you to that kind of living. I don’t “envy” you, Mary, but I do sense a calling similar to yours: God desires to live and love and "give birth" to Christ through my life. God wants to extend His "incarnation" through me. What a privilege? What a blessing? What else can I do, but say the words you said, "Behold, the bondslave of the Lord; may it be done to me according to your word".

May it be so, LORD Jesus. Amen.

Hospital Update

Well the young man's has been through some roller-coaster with his health. Today marks one full week that he's been admitted, and the medical staff still haven't been able to diagnose the exact cause. He was in ICU for 3-4 days and then moved to an isolation room. He's been waiting for 4 days to be transferred to UCSF Hospital (with better specialists), but no room is available yet. This morning his doctor said he seemed better and could go home. No need to transfer. Then just now I heard a report that he had some reaction and would probably need to stay. His dad is tired and worried.

Please continue to pray for this young man. O Lord, make haste and save him. O God, come quickly and help him.

Hospital Visit

Spent 4 hours in the ICU today to accompany a dear couple by the bedside of their 19 years old son. I have visited many sick people in the hospital before, and it was never an easy experience. But seeing this bright, shy and innocent 19 years old young man relying on a web of IV tubes, medication and constant nurse care for his survival was particularly difficult. I was amazed how calm his parents were. I think I was more shaken than they. Some are gifted with much calmer nerves than others!

Please pray for this young man. Earnest prayer. After the praying for him, take time to thank God for your health. Spend some time in the hospital, and you'll come to appreciate the gift of life. It's a miracle!

Ha ... I Got Emoticons!

Thanks to this guy, I can now express myself better. He wrote a post on how to add emoticons to Blogger.

I love to use emoticons. It helps communicate my mood when I write. I have a weird sense of humor and it's not always obvious to people. When we first got married, my wife often struggled to discern whether I was joking or serious. May be I should just stop being such a joker!

Tax Time

Just as we left my parents' home Sunday night, my brother said "Remember to pay tax!" Wow ... I'd forgotten about it completely. December 10 is the deadline for property tax payment.

The check is now in the envelop, will be in the mail Monday. Phew!

I've been slow in bill payments in the past, but never as bad as this year. Must be a sign of getting old. Or a side effect of those insomnia pills. I've been so forgetful lately!

Advent Conspiracy

In his blog, Scott Hodge, lead pastor at the Orchard Community Church in Aurora, Illinois, introduces to his church the concept of Advent Conspiracy. I guess it's called a "conspiracy" because it is an intentional movement going against the consumeristic flow and seeking a simplified and meaningful Christmas experience. The idea resonates strongly with my theology and my desire. Scott suggests 3 specific things to do this season:

1. Resist the shopping craze.
2. Give Relational Gifts.
3. Redistribute wealth to those in need nearby and around the world.

He made an excellent video explaining the concept. It's worth a few minutes of your time:

Jingle Bell

Hannah is so silly. She's turning my whole family into elves! Click on it and you'll see what I mean (may have to wait a few seconds for it to load).

Oh ... and check out this one - Jacob & Austin have turned into an elves too!

VAY Youth Rally

The Friday night rally was my weekend highlight. About 50-60 people from 6 youth groups gathered at NGCF for a fun night of games, worship, skits, message and fellowship. I feel energized when hanging out with these young people, and I am thankful that they still welcome me. At least that's what I think ...



BTW, we watched the episode kickball from the NOOMA series. This is a series of compelling messages very fitting for the postmodern culture. I highly recommend it.